Penn State basketball player Stanley Pringle has been accused by a co-ed of masturbating in the library stacks section.  Pringle claims he just has a bad habit of placing his hand down the front of his pants to relax.

“Why would I need to masturbate?” he told police. “This is how I chill, ma’am.”

Here is the best part of this story:

According to the criminal complaint, a woman said Pringle sat down on top of a desk behind her and asked if she wanted to purchase some hand lotion he was selling for the basketball team.

That is freaking hilarious.  Pringle trying to sell the innocent student on the idea that the basketball team is selling hand lotion.  The scared student told police she then heard, from behind her, the smacking sound associated with masturbation.  Not sure how she knew that sound, but that is what she told the po-po.

The woman told police that after 15 minutes of conversation with Pringle, she heard the sound of adjusting clothing followed by a “smacking sound, like Pringle’s hand was smacking against the skin of his body.”

As if Pringle wasn’t guilty already of taking care of his carnal desires, the woman finished her police report by stating that she heard “moaning sounds” and a lack of breath from Pringle.

The woman told police that Pringle then answered his ringing cell phone and proceeded to make “moaning sounds” and “sounded like he was short of breath.”

This is the most public account of male masturbation since Paul Reuben’s (Pee-Wee Herman) hi-jacking from the balcony of an adult movie back in 1991 to the horror of all the patrons below him.

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