Oh, Joan Rivers would’ve had a field day with this one!

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that the cast of the Jersey Shore showed up at MTV’s Video Music Awards looking like a ragtag band of misfits from 1987, but I’d like to think that with all the fame they’ve garnered over the past three years, by now, they would’ve learned a thing or two about being “Red Carpet Ready”.

Let’s just work our way down the line, shall we?

Ronnie, you look like the Guido version of that “uncle”, who wasn’t really your uncle, but showed up at all your family parties, and then that one time, had too much to drink, and got sort of inappropriate with your mom, and your dad had to ask him to leave.  Yeah, that uncle.

Word of advice:  Leave the diamond earrings at home ‘Bra.  This isn’t Scarface.

Vinny, you made GQ’s Best Dressed list.  You get a pass.

Word of advice:  Run.  Run as fast as you can.

Sammi, ooooh sweet, sweet Sammi.  The Restilin needs to stop.  You’re in your early twenties, there’s no need for your face to look like you constantly smell a fart.  Also, your dress is awful.  Save the “one-shoulder mini” for the club girl.

Word of advice:  I don’t need to see 96% of your thighs in every single outfit you ever wear.  Thanks.

Deena, holy H-E-Double Hockey Sticks, what on God’s green earth were you thinking?!  You look like a half-chewed stick of Yikes, Stripes, Fruit Stripes Gum.  The blonde highlights need to go, like, NOW.  Oh, and the red lipstick?  No, no, no!  Oh my gosh, it’s all just too much.  I have to look away.

Word of advice:  Next time, use a mirror.

Pauly D, you look alright.  Pretty tame, actually, for a gentleman of your swagger.

Word of advice:  I would’ve expected a little more outfit, a little less hair.

JWoww, I didn’t know you had fake boobs until this very moment!  You’ve done such a great job at downplaying then until now; way to step it up for the red carpet!

Word of advice: Sometimes, more is actually more.  As in, more dress.  You got me?

Snooki, you actually rocked some pretty hot shoes, I’ve got to give you that.  Your dress was hideous, but your feet looked good – so that’s…something.

Word of advice:  The va-va-voom hair was very Kim Kardashian sexy.  Get rid of the poof – forever.

Twins, just get out of my face.  There is absolutely no reason you should be allowed out in normal society.  You are worse than reality TV stars – you are reality tv germs.  Also, you looked like something Taylor Momson threw up.

More Jersey Shore Red Carpet Photos…

[Images: WENN]